I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize