I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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