I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
