even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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