its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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