I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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