the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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