that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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