Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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