I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
