He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
