Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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