hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Randomize
