Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
