I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
