can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
