You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
