I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
