I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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