dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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