you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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