I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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