I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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