The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
