things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Let's get the cat blown out
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
