And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
