I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize