Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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