JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
