Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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