my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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