Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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