Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
