Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
