i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
