If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
