Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
