she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
