i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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