so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
