is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
