I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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