you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
