Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize