dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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