Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
