I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
