I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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