My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
