I smell stomach acid.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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