i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
