The maid of honor just puked.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
