Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize