Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
