Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
