Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
