I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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