I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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