he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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