I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
