So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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