Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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